2011 Golden Globes EXCLUSIVE
I stand against the guardrails of the 2011 Golden Globes red carpet. Kevin Spacey lingers against the wall.
Me: (waving) Kevin Spacey! Kevin Spacey!!!!
Kevin Spacey turns, notices me waving and approaches with a smile.
Me: Kevin Spacey, favorite Lil’ Wayne mixtape?
Kevin Spacey: (turns head and laughs) I’m afraid I don’t really know much about that.
Me: You don’t know much about Lil’ Wayne? He’s sort of everywhere, surely you’ve heard of him—
Kevin Spacey: Well, yes, I mean, I’ve heard of him but I’m unfamiliar with his work, so.
Me: (weirdly impatient and aggressive) Mine’s a tie between No Ceilings and Drought 3, do you like either of those?
Kevin Spacey’s assistant directs him to the next interviewer. I spot the lady from ‘Bones’.
Me: Bones! Excuse me, Bones, please!
She approaches.
Me: How many youtubes do you like?
Lady from Bones: Five.
Me: Omg, me too!
Lady from Bones: (smiles and holds eye contact as she walks away) It’s been really nice talking with you.
Me: Thanks so much for your time!
The lady from Bones leaves and it was a perfect interaction. I spot Maya Angelou.
Me: Miss Angelou!
Maya Angelou smiles warmly and waits for a photographer to pass before approaching the gate.
Me: What would you say is your biggest downfall, personality-wise?
Maya Angelou pats the railing and mouths “Bless you” before turning away casually. I follow her mouth with my microphone until she’s too far out of reach. I see LL Cool J.
Me: Mr. Cool J! LL!
He meets my eyes and walks over.
LL Cool J: How you doin’ tonight?
Me: I’m great. Question: will you follow me on Twitter?
LL Cool J: (casual laugh while spotting an acquaintance to his right) Yeah, that sounds like something I could do. You know, send me a request or ‘at’ me or something.
Me: For me it’s a maybe.
LL Cool J: (is taken aback, another casual laugh) Oh really?
Me: Haha, yeah. Hey, what are you even doing here by the way?
He walks away. I see Kristen Stewart sulking in the crowd.
Me: Kristen Stewarrrrrrrt!! (to myself) Oh man, so important.
She doesn’t notice.
Me: Kristen!! Bella!!
She looks over and is game.
Me: Hey, Kristen Stewart.
Kristen Stewart: Hi.
Me: Hey. Hey so have you and Rob ever bet your entire Twilight earnings on who could go the longest without touching their hair?
Kristen Stewart: (makes that face) Ha um… (tousles hair)
Me: Haha, whoops you lost!
I turn to my right and get on my tip-toes. I spot Mary Louise Parker.
Me: Mary Louise!!!!!!
She smiles and floats to the rail.
Mary Louise Parker: Hey, there.
Me: Ohhhh my gosh, Mary Louise, I’m such a huge fan. You are so good at acting it’s like you’re not acting.
Mary Louise Parker: That’s a very nice compliment, thank you.
Me: So your assistant said we could make out for like 5 minu—
I’m shot by a sniper and my body is folded in half/whisked away by two men in suits.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
